So I told her.
Well, emailed her.
Not because I'm a coward, but emails are the only thing she has time for. (and she lives in Florida)
Ana. But this journal isn't about how hard it was to tell her, this journal is about how it is to tell people in general. To tell people that you are gay.
I mean, my parents kinda forced it out, so i had it a bit easier. Except when my mum yelled.
It feels like an earthquake that only you can feel.Like everything is about to collapse. I sometimes wish that I hadn't come out, but what choice did I have really? My mum screamed at me until i told her.
It was easy when i told Sheng-Haw because i hardly knew him, and look at us now- he is my closest friend. In a way he is closer to me than Natasha and Cassondra, because they live in Wisconsin and never see how I am on a day to day basis. And he is a boy- we have the kind of relationship two guys would have, though he is different than other guys in the fact that he isn't a perv (that would be his younger girl cousin) so I can tolerate him...
But with other people you never know what to expect, because they might not accept you. I got lucky with my friends and family, none of them (so far) have been homophobic. I am hoping Ana is the same.
But you still get treated differently.
Natasha and Cassondra act odd around me when we do see each other, even though they know I could never like them that way, and I'm not enough of a perv to look at them.
My parents actually make fun of my gayness behind my back.
My brother calls me names, like "carpet-licker"
No matter what you do, people will act differently. Some may look up to you, others will tease you, and some will send you death threats, hurt you, or totally disown you. everyone reacts differently.
Like I said- I got really lucky.
And sometimes, in the right situations, pride can be the best thing.
In my Bio class our teacher had us write why our lives suck, even if it isn't really significant. We just had to write about what was wrong in our lives. I was going to write about my grades- to be on the safe side. I thought "to hell with it".
I wrote about how my parents didn't like my gayness.
Then she asked for volunteers. I thought "hell no"
Then thought "to hell with it"
I stood up.
First I explained how my life is good, how I am lucky to have food, clothing, and shelter.
Then I said how my life does have a flaw, and depending on how you look at it, it can be big or small.
I am a lesbian. And how hard it is going through every day hearing "fag" and "gay" and "dyke" as insults. And my parents, though they "tolerate" it, they do not accept. Do not approve. How they think that it is all a lie- or a stage in life. I cried as I said how they make fun of me.
I smiled then, and explained to them that it was fine, because I have supportive friends, and a tolerating community. And that I was in love, with a girl in Vienna, and she made it all O.K.
they applauded, twice actually. First when I said I was a lesbian, second when I sat back down.
They said things along the line of "she got balls" and "that's what courage is."
One boy came up to me and said he would stop using gay as a derogatory term. (though not in that exact wording)And for the next few days people came up to me and said that I was really brave to have done that.
I still haven't told my parents how they accepted me even though everyone (my parents included) told me that something like that would never happen.
The one negative thing that happened was that one kid resolved to never talk to me again. But, i don't mind, he was an ass anyways.
I know that this was a long journal, and thanks for reading it up till the end.
Byrd